January. *mental sigh* The time when we make a new start, right? It’s the start of a new you, a new budget, a new lifestyle, a chance to start fresh, a chance to make something beautiful of the sugar-coated, overspent exhausted mess most of us seem to be after the holidays…RIGHT?! Boy, that is awfully intimidating.
I’ve never been much for New Year’s resolutions. Mostly, because I can’t seem to keep them. I am a planner and a list maker. I am also a dreamer and a perfectionist. It’s a deadly combination when it comes to New Year’s lists. If I make a list of things I am wanting to improve about myself, I want to include everything. All in. If I list it all, I must complete it all. It’s like this mental race against myself, and by February I am burnt out and depressed, feeling like a huge failure. So, then I go through a month or two, wallowing in self-pity and depression. (It doesn’t help that I live in the frozen mountains of gray bleakness and February is usually the WORST of it.) I end up gaining back every pound I lost during all my fitness goals and eating everything I swore I wouldn’t–which I bought with money I said I wouldn’t spend.
So, this year is different.
I decided on November 1 I was not going to do the whole New Year’s crazy list. Instead I spent November in a mental reflection state trying to find out what it was that I MOST wanted to change. Lasting things. Things that would leave a benefit to my family, my home, my mental state, my marriage.
Then we hit December, and this year was different for me. After spending so much time REALLY LOOKING at my life and the world around me, it seemed like all I could see was brokenness. It seemed like every person I spoke to was going through an epic battle. Meanwhile, here I was concerned that I hadn’t ordered enough matching clothes for my kids’ Christmas morning pictures, and that I didn’t know how to cook a ham (that is a whole other blog post, let me tell ya). It stopped me. I needed to let it go. Suddenly it became much more important to spend my money on the people in my life who needed cheering up, to support a family I knew whose Christmas would be much more bleak than ours. We cut back on the cooking, the baking, the decorating, the gift-giving for each other. We spent TIME with people we love. We cleaned up our house to entertain people I was intimidated to entertain. I gave of MYSELF. And you know what? It was a GREAT holiday season. I can’t do everything for everyone. But, if I can do something…
So, this January this is my only goal:
Lord, let me. Let me be God’s hands. Let me be a good steward of the money I do have. Let me give memories to my family. Let me give more of myself and less to myself.
Trust me, I have no delusions of becoming some saint, or Mother Theresa of the woods. I still intend to get a latte when I pass by Starbucks. I still intend to watch TV at night instead of working on saving the world. And I am not going to fool myself or the world into thinking I have ANY of my act together.
I am just going to try to BE.Me. Every day.
And my ONLY New Year’s resolution? To allow God to create the best version of me.
Kayla Wells was a member of Bigfork MOPS for 4 1/2 years and served on the steering team for 3 years. She is married to Dan and is a mom to three. You can find her at Mommy’s Soapbox.